Let's Radiate Don

The internet is indeed a strange and powerful thing.

My son started this blog for me almost two years ago and thrust it upon me and now when you Google my name, “cancer” is one of the first hits you get. “Talentless sitcom hack” and “suspected projectile bedwetter” are right on it’s heels, but as far as the internet is concerned I am known for cancer first and single-handedly destroying screenwriting as a profession second.

Given the reach of the internet, it is not surprising that I have become somewhat of a “go-to” guy for people with cancer questions or just random fans of cancer as an art form. So as a service to the tens of tens of people who read this blog, every once in a while I like to bundle together some of the questions I get from the interwebs and answer them for all the world to see.

Don, things are great here on the Big Island. I am loving sitting by the pool, spending your insurance money and drinking these “lavaflows” or whatever they’re called. Just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing? When I left you were curled up in a fetal position, dry heaving into the bedside table. Any change?

Love,

Your Wife Kate

PS The Sparklett’s man says hi.

Wow, great to hear from you honey. I was wondering what happened, I sent you out for stool softeners last Wednesday. But yes, all good here this week. As you know the strategy is to basically kill me with the 3 drug cocktail, then give me a few weeks to recover, then just when I start to feel like a human, they poison me again. I’ve got one more week before the day of death, so for today, I’m feeling pretty good. By the way, tell the Sparklett’s man we’re running low on water bottles. And please, hurry home. It’s not like my stools are going to soften themselves.

Rhymer, aren’t you bored? What the hell do you do all day?

Eldin Walcott, Professional Blogger, Johnson City, Tennessee

Excellent question Eldin. You see when you are on a “cancercation” like me, you try to set easily attainable daily goals. Today, I will urinate standing up. Tomorrow I will put on pants. These are small victories you can build on day by day until pretty soon you find yourself being a productive member of society, or at least as productive as the average blogger who lives in his mother’s basement and brushes his teeth with Otter Pops.

What happens when you are done with chemo? Have you tried alternative medicine? I hear they are doing amazing things with coyote urine.

Meg Fillmore, Amarillo, Texas

I guess the plan is to do another scan that will hopefully show that I am miraculously cancer-free, significantly better looking and six inches taller. If the results are less than miraculous, I guess there will be even more chemo.

I know people mean well, and not that I have anything against coyote urine personally, but as of now I am not interested in “alternative” treatments. Wacky diets, compotes, extracts, salves, ointments… I think acupuncture is as far out there as I can go and that was for neck stiffness from all the radiation and surgery… and I gotta say, it was a big help.

But for now, I am avoiding urine, even my own and sticking with actual doctors.

Don, exactly how sick are you? I’m asking for a friend.

Your Sparklett’s Man

Thank’s Hal. I’ll be fine. Now, get your ass back to LA.