Los Angeles, Ca – Federal Crisis Negotiators were brought in to resolve the hostile takeover of the Radiology Oncology Department of USC in a dispute that apparently stemmed from a practical joke gone horribly wrong.
When Don Rhymer of La Canada arrived for the last of his thirty-three radiation treatments, his Doctor met him in the hallway and told him that due to a clerical error, he would actually have to undergo ten additional treatments.
Though his Doctor was in fact playing a joke on him, Rhymer, having seen no evidence of a sense of humor among any cancer related personnel at USC… overreacted because – in his opinion – “They never laughed at any of my jokes, and we all know I’m frickin” hilarious!”
According to eyewitnesses, Rhymer screamed like a twelve-year-old girl and promptly barricaded himself in the radiation vault. Holding a 32 oz Big Gulp over the seven million dollar radiation unit, he proclaimed – “One step closer and the machine gets it.”
No one was sure if the carbonated beverage would do any real damage to the expensive machinery, though Mike one of the Tech’s did admit that he spilled mustard on it once and may or not have burned a hole through a patient’s clavicle. It was deemed time to call in the Federal Negotiator.
When the Negotiator arrived, Rhymer stated that he had three simple demands, 1) a cool getaway car, maybe a Ford Fusion, or one of those tiny little Smart cars. 2) Season three of Miami Vice, because that was the year they let Tubbs sing and 3) A Southwestern Sizzlin’ Skillet from Denny’s.
Todd Nordermen, the negotiator, immediately reminded Rhymer that he had driven himself to the Clinic so a getaway car hardly seemed necessary, season two of Miami Vice actually sucked and he wouldn’t recommend the southwestern skillet dinners at Denny’s because the fire-roasted peppers were under seasoned and quite chewy.
When denied all three demands Rhymer became quite agitated and started to drip the condensation from his Big Gulp cup onto the machine.
Nordermen quickly apologized; explaining that he had only recently joined the Federal Hostage Negotiating Unit and that his five years as the assistant manager of a Pottery Barn had given him only minimal training in hostage negotiating.
Just when the situation turned bleak it was determined that Rhymer had apparently gotten thirsty and had finished off all 32oz of his Cherry Coke Big Gulp and really had to pee.
Rhymer was allowed to evacuate his bladder and then immediately taken into custody. He is being held without bail at an undisclosed location.
Mr. Nordermen immediately announced his retirement from the Federal Hostage Negotiating Unit and went back to work at the Pottery Barn. When reached for comment he invites everyone to come by and enjoy twenty percent off on all duvet covers and shams.