Posted by: donrhymer | August 9, 2010

A Chat with My Oncologist

Dr:     Hello?

Don:  Hi Doctor. Sorry to bother you at home like this.

Dr:    No problem. It’s making a big gurgling sound and the Gullickson’s are coming over and you know how they are after a few glasses of wine so I want to make sure the hot tub is ready so …

Don: Oh, no sorry. It’s Don Rhymer.

Dr:    Who?

Don: Don Rhymer? I’m a patient.

Dr:    How did you get this number?

Don: You said I could call anytime.

Dr:    Really? That doesn’t sound like me.

Don: Well, it was very comforting at the time.

Dr:    Were you crying when I said it?

Don:  No… well, maybe a little.

Dr:     Then that explains it. I hate crying. You’re lucky I didn’t give you a pony. Call me tomorrow at the office when I have a four or five person buffer between us.

Don:   Please, don’t hang up, it’s just that I have my last chemotherapy this week and I’m a little nervous.

Dr:     Don’t be.

Don:  That’s it? That’s the best you can do – “Don’t be?”

Dr:     Don’t be… please? I don’t understand the point? Who is this again?

Don:  Don Rhymer. Tongue cancer.

Dr:     Oh, the homeless, alcoholic, snuff chewer?

Don:  No. I’m none of those things.

Dr:     Well, don’t beat yourself up about it, Mrs. Rhymer, you’re young, you have plenty of time.

Don:  MISTER Rhymer… Look, don’t you have any advice for me?

Dr:     Are you crying? I hear sniffling.

Don:  No. I’m not crying.

Dr:     Forget the pony, how about a set of snow tires? Will that make you feel better? They’re Bridgestone.

Don:  Never mind. I’m sorry to bother you.

Dr:     “Your inner strength will carry you through even the darkest of nights.”

Don:  Wow. Really? Um, thanks Doctor, that’s actually…

Dr:    I know it’s a rip-off, it’s not even a fortune. And the cookie is stale….

Don: So you were just reading a… good night Doctor.

Dr:    Yeah, you sure you don’t know how to fix a Jacuzzi? I’ll give you 25 percent off your next pap smear…



  1. This is really, really funny. If I was your cancer, I’d be very depressed.

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