Posted by: donrhymer | May 29, 2012

Book Ideas

After managing to keep working during three years of treatment I finally threw up my hands and said: “No mas.”

I felt this ten week chemo regiment would not be conducive to the deadlines and rigors of the current movie I was working on, so the fine people at Fox and Blue Sky were gracious enough to allow me to step aside for a sabbatical.

A “cancercation” if you will.

But I had to write something. This blog is fun, but it don’t pay the bills so I thought that maybe I would take the opportunity to write something original. I decided on a book or a play, something creative and challenging.

But five weeks in, I’m having trouble settling on an idea. Oh sure, I’ve got some great ones, but I thought I would run them by you guys. Take in consideration these are all bold, innovative ideas, written from a place of deep commitment to that old writer’s axiom “write what you know.”

Here goes:

“Fifty Shades of Cancer”

A dashing, sophisticated, stallion of a man – oh, let’s call him Don – enters into a dark, erotic game of sexual politics with his Oncology Nurse Practitioner, Edna. The fireworks begin during a seemingly innocent game of “who dropped the Surflo Winged Infusion Set.”

Edna dials up the heat when she asks through a mouthful of Oreo’s: “Is that a central line? Or are you just glad to see me?” The sexual hi-jinks continue until we reach the grand finale where the “Don” character is smothered in lime jello, though he is partial to cherry, and spanked with a dog-eared three-year-old copy of the “Ladies Home Journal” found in the lobby.

I’ve written the first three chapters on the back of Cheesecake Factory menu and left it on a cross town bus headed for Van Nuys in the hopes that someone finds it and my book goes viral.

But maybe combining cancer and sex is way ahead of its time. I know personally, I tried it once and got a really bad rash.  Maybe I should be thinking more “old school.”

“How Green was My Cancer”

Tells the story of – oh let’s call them the Rhymers – a poor mining family from La Canada, California. And their plucky patriarch, oh, why not – Don is a good name.

Brave, misunderstood, and intermittently incontinent, Don fights cancer and struggles to keep his family going during the toughest of times, those four months between the World Series and Spring Training. A dark time filled with emptiness, despair and singing competition shows with Christina Aguilera.

As the months drag on, the pain of radiation treatments pale in comparison to the cruelty the Dodger management shows by failing to sign a meaningful free agent to protect Ethier and Kemp in the line up… Don contemplates the worst of it all, the unpardonable sin….  becoming an LA Kings hockey fan.

Talked off the ledge by the love of his family and the realization that no true American really likes hockey, they just pretend to in order to score with Canadian chicks, ultimately, the National pastime saves him and cures his cancer.

I don’t know… this one may be too earnest and patriotic even for me. I write goofy family movies maybe I should stay in that genre.

“Chitty Chitty Cancer Cancer”

Just when Don’s treatment hits rock bottom, his hospital gurney becomes a magical… See? You’re probably way ahead of me on this one. An awesome epic like this writes itself.

You can see why I am having a hard time landing on only one idea. Obviously, cancer has only enhanced my already legendary creative abilities and I’m sure the publishing world is breathlessly awaiting my efforts.

Or maybe I should just get better and go back to work. Yeah, that sounds better for all mankind.

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Responses

  1. The offer is still open for you to use this line: “Bertrum Lay on the sofa, his face disfigured by the weight of his head.”

    I’ve always been an idea man, but you are a man of action and everyone is better for it. Thanks for the update, chief. Godspeed!

  2. I don’t know, I’m thinking CHITTY CHITTY CANCER CANCER opens well in Belgium. I’m already envisioning a slow push in beneath the gurney, very Tony Scott… CLOSE-UP – DON… you’re smeared with sidewalk chalk…. kneeling amidst a colorful tableaux… outside Madewell’s… oh wait, that was MARY POPPINS.

  3. What about a music video? How about teaming with Weird Al on Elton John’s “Tiny Cancer?” “Hold me looser, Tiny Cancer. Count the T-cells in the bloodstream…” It writes itself!

  4. I vote with “Get Better” !!!

  5. Love it. Love you.

  6. Yup! Getting better and back to work would be better for all mankind.

  7. I see a “How to Book” in your future, Don.
    How to help your friend become a Pastor. It would be original and instead of the usual yellow and white design of the How to Book you could use the bumpy material and binding design you would find on a pocket bible.
    This would be the last How to Book I would ever buy.

    If you insist on a movie then here it is: Green Cancer Beret; How a valiant, 120 pound script writer fights the good fight against evil marauding brown cancer insurgents all the while doffing that well known symbol of America’s Best-The Green Cancer Beret!

  8. My vote goes to Chitty Chitty Cancer Cancer.

  9. Cancer Carpool?

  10. I find the comments on your blog intimidating. I’ll stick to inane and unsupportive text messages.

  11. How about this story line, it’s by far our FAVORITE!
    Boy meets girl, girl falls in love, boy gets cancer, boy gets well, and they lived happily ever after….

  12. You could just publish this blog. Or how about Gone With the Cancer!


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