Here’s Don’s Christmas letter from 2001 – one of my favorites. Enjoy. – Kate
As most of you know, I always try to get a different member of the family to write the annual Christmas letter. Having run out of family, I decided to ask someone who really knows us to step in. Someone who could give you the real story, no punches pulled, about what’s been going on in our lives? There was really only one way to go… our mailman Dave. (He prefers Postal Carrier, but I like the way Mailman Dave sounds.) Anyway, here is his letter, and Merry Christmas! – Don
Greetings from the U.S. Postal Service!
When Don asked me to write this letter the first thing I asked was… How much you paying Chubby? After we agreed on a price, (he’s a pushover by the way) I thought, “It’s about time somebody rolled over on these people!” You can tell a lot about a family just by delivering their mail and these guys are no exception.
By the way, I’m not quite sure what Rhymer does for a living other than: it has something to do with show business, he’s around the house all day and he never seems to wear pants. (Which is frankly a matter I’m taking up with the Postal Union.)
The wife Kate is always passing me in her new Tahoe with a big smile, a wave and a Pepsi from Taco Bell. This was a big year for her. As a lot of you know she and her friend Kathy Gallagher participated in the Avon Three Day Breast Cancer Walk. Sixty miles from Santa Barbara to Malibu. (As a Letter Carrier I sympathized.) She raised over six thousand dollars for breast cancer research and acquired an attractive case of bunions in the process. She appears to truly love her children and husband. If this is true, I would like to get her to spend some time with my wife who frankly, won’t have anything to do with me. (She claims it’s the uniform, but let’s face it… even with the knee hi socks… I rock!)
Their oldest son, Andrew, is how a high school sophomore and had another great year of water polo. He seems to be on the mailing lists of Young Life and several different church youth groups so that must keep him pretty busy. His landmark achievement of the year was earning his learner’s permit. Driving and young men can be a lethal combination on a mailbox so at my urging Don has had his reinforced with concrete. There were a few letters addressed to Andrew that appeared to be doused in some sort of perfume, but again, I don’t like to pry no matter how much his dad offers to pay me.
Molly is in eighth grade and has temporarily switched from dance to competitive cheerleading. “Cheer Spirit”, “Cheer, Cheer, Cheer”, “Jr. Cheer”. I had no idea there were that many cheerleading magazines on the market, but trust me, she gets them all. Her squad finished fifth in their first competition and third in their second. They’re hoping for a spot in the regional meet in Las Vegas so I have my fingers crossed. And now a word on party invitations… Again, I have talked to Don repeatedly and informed him I cannot go through them all and conveniently “lose” the ones that may include boys.
For Carrie’s tenth birthday she got a puppy! A tenacious little mutt she named “Mona”. The two of them are inseparable. She was in another community theater play this year, “The Jungle Book”. (Frankly, I thought she was the best one, but I’m biased.) She was also cast in a nationally syndicated children’s radio drama called “The Pond”. (Go to: lifeatthepond.com for where it might be playing near you.) I know this because she keeps getting all these paychecks for this gig and for doing local radio ads. (From what I can tell she’s apparently the number two earner in the Rhymer family.)
Oh, and for the last two months they’ve had me dodging construction vehicles. Seems they’re doing some work on their house. Something about enclosing a porch or something, ask them for details. Other than that, all I can say is that their dogs bark way too much, Don has a serious Amazon.com addiction, and WHAT’S WITH THE CATALOGS! These Rhymers get five a day. Go to the mall once in a while, will ya!!
All and all a good mail year for the Rhymers. The load was heavy and sometimes overwhelmed the confines of their Model 12 Aluminum Upright Mailbox, but all families feel that way sometimes. As with most people they fear that cell phones and email addresses are making letter writing a lost art. They pledge to try harder in 2002 and they hope you will join them in making that commitment. Happy Holidays and I look forward to passing on your letters to the Rhymer family in 2002 and please… use zip codes and write legibly. Your government thanks you. God bless you and your families.
DAVE THE MAILMAN