RHYMER CHRISTMAS LETTER RETURNS!!
Restless nation breathes a collective sigh of dread…
Los Angeles, December 2006 – It’s indeed beginning to look a lot like Christmas, as, after a one year absence, the Rhymer Christmas Letter once again lays siege to America’s postal system. Citing exhaustion, a lingering depression over the Dodger’s inability to land a power hitter, and the hard truth that he was just too drunk to type, Don Rhymer failed to pen his annual holiday dribble last year. The response to this startling development was swift and uncompromising… “Thank God I don’t have to smile and pretend to have actually read it.” – Andrew Rhymer
The always rambling, occasionally incomprehensible holiday musings of the La Canada resident had built a loyal following amongst an eclectic group of friends, relatives, prisoners and, not surprisingly, a growing number of mental patients, most of whom like to read it backwards, then fold it and wear it as a decorative Christmas hat. For seven consecutive years, Rhymer parodied the typical family Christmas letter, usually singing his own praises while shamelessly using his lovely wife and three children for cheap comic fodder. When asked to comment, his wife Kate was quoted as saying: “It was all in the name of fun. Plus getting revenge by shaving his eyebrows in his sleep always felt good afterwards.”
Why bring back the Christmas letter? “It was just such an eventful year,” says Rhymer. “I’m more awesome than ever, and really feel that America needs to know that.” This reporter was able to secure an advance copy of the letter that weighs in at an astonishing 47 pages. Forty-six and a half pages talk about Rhymer himself: his expanding waistline, his short-term memory loss, and his recent inability to digest corn – take up the lion’s share of the pages, but what this reporter found particularly disturbing was his twelve page analysis of his ear hair. Writes Rhymer in one frightening passage – “Foliage increased 18 percent in July alone. May be a record… call Guinness.” A disturbed man in obvious need of help.
The only redeeming quality in the forty-seven pages is a single paragraph given over to bragging about his long-suffering wife and kids. He details Kate’s year of transition getting now a second child off to college. Her continuing commitment to National Charity League, and her participation in re-establishing the Drama Parents board at the high school. Son Andrew is apparently now a junior at NYU. Having spent most of the summer working on his father’s film “Deck the Halls” he was excited to get his first screen credit as a production assistant. It was a big year for the oldest Rhymer daughter Molly, who in the spring had her deb ball, the culmination of six years of volunteer work with the National Charity League. Now a freshman at Arizona State University, she is majoring in interior design and a proud Delta Gamma sorority sister. Carrie, just months away from getting her driver’s license, is a sophomore at La Canada High School where she is very involved in chorus and the drama department. A finalist in the statewide drama competition, she is soon to be seen in a production of Neil Simon’s “Brighton Beach Memoirs”.
As always, in closing the letter Rhymer tries to redeem this whole shameful attention-grabbing exercise by attempting to be heartfelt and caring. He talks at great length about being grateful for God’s blessings and thankful for the gifts of friendship and community. He preaches that life is fragile and oh so short; then just as we start to tear up, he ends the letter by telling us that he is now going to the bathroom about five times a night and has given serious thought to installing a camping toilet by his bed to save him the ten foot walk. His misguided attempts at humor only prove once again that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him understand what’s funny about it once he gets there…
So, this reporter begs you, when the 47 page spiral bound Rhymer Christmas Letter comes your way, complete with a tri-fold insert of Don in lederhosen… toss it. Your attention only encourages him to write again and, as a nation, haven’t we suffered enough? Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all!