RHYMER FAMILY IN CHAOS!!
La Canada, CA – The Rhymer family made national news this year by formally renouncing all local, state and federal ties and forming it’s own city-state. In an awkward rambling interview, Don Rhymer explained it this way: “Look, the fact is we are smarter, more successful and way more incredibly, awesomely hotter than we have a right to be. It’s nothing personal. I just feel that the Rhymers have evolved beyond you people and quite frankly, you were holding us back.”
The new nation, Rhymlandia, was formed on a Tuesday night in early September shortly after Rhymer realized his Netflix queue was empty. Yes, the winds of political change blew strong, philosophically and even physically. “I have never started my own country before, but I knew instinctively that the first thing I should do is build a moat.”
“A moat, he’s calling it?” said his wife, Kate, still aglow from the effects of her blockbuster birthday party she shared earlier this year with Kathy Gallagher. “I thought we were just having drainage problems.”
Oldest son Andrew, a Brooklyn resident who has worked this year as a production assistant on the HBO comedy “Bored to Death” and the upcoming Discovery Channel documentary “Rat” seems to be Rhymer’s only ally in this political uprising. “Look, he might be nuts, but he promised to make me Ambassador to Brazil. I don’t care who you are, that looks pretty damn good on a resume.”
The seeds of Rhymer’s dementia appear to have been planted shortly after youngest daughter Carrie left for Emerson College in Boston. “Hey, when I left home, we knew there would be problems. Having me around the house is sort of like having your own Cirque de Soleil. When they pack up their tents, you’re going to miss them. Except the contortionists. Everybody thinks they’re creepy.”
After graduating from FIDM and starting work as the assistant to a stylist, Molly is the only Rhymer sibling left on the west coast. “I totally hung in there with this whole Rhymlandia thing until Dad started wearing skinny jeans and a cape.” Mortified, she moved into an apartment in Pasadena shortly thereafter.
Fortunately, economic embargoes and possible military actions were avoided when shortly before the holidays, Rhymer folded his fledgling country. Why give up? Why now? Maybe the mantle of revolution weighed heavy on his hairy shoulders, maybe more worthy endeavors caught his attention. The world may never know. According to bystanders, he simply yelled: “Ooo, look, cake!” and ran off, leaving his political ideologies scattered on the patio.
Casually brushing the cake crumbs from his ill-fitting sweater, Rhymer looks back on the historic events of this year with uncharacteristic emotion: “Life changes. Sometimes it makes you a little crazy, but it’s sure nice to share it with friends and family you love. And by the way, skinny jeans chafe. But I’m keeping the cape.”