CHRISTMAS LETTERS LIE!!
They exaggerate, they fabricate the facts, they stretch the truth, and sad to say, the Rhymer Christmas Letter is no exception. But this year? This year is different.
This year, I will write the usual Christmas letter and then I will have the courage to once and for all tell the truth. Controversial? Oh yes. Funny? We can only hope.
Ready? I hope so, because the truth isn’t always pretty. Especially when it wears those jeans that make it look fat. This could be a bumpy ride. Pregnant women, those suffering from vertigo and anyone under forty-eight inches tall should turn back now.
THE “WE’RE TOTALLY AWESOME” RHYMER CHRISTMAS LETTER 2008!
ANDREW graduated from NYU this year! Hard to believe. It was an amazing day, and the ceremony took place in Yankee Stadium no less. He’s living in New York, and in the tradition of all great writers – bartending! He’s writing scripts and finishing up his senior film, Sucker Punch.
Okay, that was all a lie. The truth is: we haven’t seen Andrew in years. The boy disappeared in early 2005 with twenty thousand dollars in tuition money and a carton of unfiltered Camels. According to the private detective we hired, he’s in Bolivia, living with a divorcee named Alegria and recently enlisted in the Merchant Marines. We were initially confused seeing as Bolivia is a landlocked country, but than again geography was never really his thing.
MOLLY has had an amazing year! She’s now at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising in downtown Los Angeles. She spent two months living with Andrew in New York while she interned with up-and-coming designers Vena Cava, who showed at Fashion Week. She’s also started her own line of headbands. She’s doing a brisk business and is in stores as far away as Australia.
The truth? You know it’s really embarrassing, but as it turns out, Molly isn’t even ours. I know, weird, huh? As far as we can piece it together, sometime in early 1991, Kate was picking up a bunch of kids at a Chucky Cheese in Burbank and apparently came home with one more child than she should have. In our defense, our house is quite large, she was an extremely quiet toddler and back in those days we were very disorganized. Anyway, she has now been reunited with her real family and is living peacefully in a trailer park outside Barstow. We miss her. Okay, the truth is… not really so much. She had very expensive taste and the whole vegetarian thing was really starting to creep us out.
CARRIE is a senior! She just played the lead in the La Canada High School production of “Barefoot in the Park”. It was a wonderful performance. In October she and Kate spent another week in Mississippi with Habitat for Humanity. She’s still working part time at a local bookstore and is busy applying to colleges. She’s pretty sure she wants to pursue theater. So far she’s been accepted at University of Oregon and about five other schools so pray for her as she’s got a lot of decisions to make.
Again, the truth? We’ve kept this pretty quiet, but just between us? The girl’s doing time. Oh yeah, a dime and a half at Chico. We’re still not completely sure how it all went down, but there was a bank and a getaway car, and then Carrie suggested running through a drive-thru and before you know it the cops caught her with ten thousand dollars in cash, a large order of Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes and a Chicken Soft Chipotle Wrap. She writes often, whenever her cellmate Big Ethel lets her use the pen. We were lucky enough to visit this summer and were able to catch her performing scenes from “Carousel” at the annual prison talent show. If you would like to help fund her appeal, you can donate canned good and cartons of cigarettes to http://www.freecarrie.com.
KATE and I have been married twenty-five years! We had a wonderful anniversary trip to Napa Valley and we can’t wait to go back. She’s queen of all things high school drama, very active in National Charity League, and this year began doing a lot of work at Elizabeth House, a facility for homeless pregnant women. She’s obviously the virtuous charitable one in this relationship and I’ve been lucky to ride her coattails all these years.
Okay, this one is hard. Yes, we have been married for twenty-five years, but it’s time to once and for all reveal the truth. Kate won me in a poker game. It was the fall of 1982 and she was living in Washington, DC. She was a different Kate back then. Rowdy and randy with a thirst for the dark side. She ran a poker game out of the basement of the Library of Congress and one night… she caught a queen on the river and walked away with me, four thousand dollars and the keys to a ’74 El Camino. Yes, those first few weeks were rough and I would be lying if I didn’t admit that my smart tongue often earned me the lash. But within months she was letting me out of the basement for brief periods to darn her stockings. Within the year we were married at a VFW hut in McLean, VA and looking back… I wouldn’t change a thing.
Okay, so now you know the REAL STORY! It feels so good to finally be free to tell the truth. We hope that unlike us, you’ve had a trauma free year. May the season bring you God’s blessings, wonder, and peace.
“Blessed is the season that engages the whole world in a conspiracy of hope.”
THE RHYMER FAMILY